LOLs AND HEARTBREAKS

I have come to the conclusion lately that nothing locks me in the Writers’ Block more than a clueless government.

It unnerves me more than the prospect of having a Botox-made Dictator with a harem of Female virgin bodyguards.

While I would love to ‘thank’ the PDP-led Government for distinguishing itself as the Primus Inter Pares of all my ‘many inspirations’ (would I rant if they were nice?), I dare say that the same Government is the source of my protracted Writers’ Block!

Ever heard of information overload? Ever wondered why, the same water that all Living Beings need to survive (to the best of my knowledge) turns out to be their death once it exceeds the threshold of supply.

Each time I try to start another piece; another incident just succeeds in overtaking it. From the Olebode George (deliberately mis-spelt, go figure) thanksgiving service to the re-arrest of a Gubernatorial candidate who just got granted bail on the grounds that the current Inspector General of Police is either dumb, arrogant, stupid or a combination of all for not understanding the Maxim semper necessitas probandi incumbit ei qui agit (the necessity of proof always lies with the person who lays charges).

For someone being charged for Treason and Murder, as it is in the case of Senator Akpan Udoedehe, the Gubernatorial Candidate in Akwa-Ibom under the platform of ACN (Action Congress of Nigeria), which, if convicted, attracts the maximum penalty of a DEATH SENTENCE, the least you should do, Mr Dumbo, is gather false-witnesses and photoshopped pictures to at least substantiate your claim.

At least Justice Ibrahim Auta, the culprit in Ken Saro Wiwa’s Judicially-obtained-licence-to-murder case, backed up his point by attributing his sentence to a statement allegedly made by Ken (and for those of you who do not know, this Auta dude just got elevated to the post of the Acting Chief Judge of the Federal High Court).

Nigerians love pictures, perhaps more than the Chinese. A cannibal gets arrested and in a minute, emergency almanacs pop-up and sell very fast.

I guess Engineer Rauf Aregbesola was wise in not showing up when a similar incident happened in Osun State in the wake of the 2007 elections. The not-so-long-ago-sacked Governor, Olagunsoye Oyinlola had declared Aregbesola wanted following the outbreak of post-election violence; perhaps Uncle Hafiz is a tad more devoted than his predecessors; how else would you explain arresting someone who just got granted bail with the deployment of 50 Mobile Policemen citing ‘Orders from above’.

Nigeria must be a very Godly Nation…too many ‘Gods’ giving orders from ‘above’ and these ‘Gods’ are inundated with pantheons of personal Al-Nabi.

Now here’s the update: After the Federal High Court granted him bail and he was re-arrested, Udoedehe got paraded before a Magistrate Court in Uyo, where the Chief Magistrate, Edet Obot admitted he lacked jurisdiction in such matters, but would remand the accused in Prison Custody! That is based on a ‘NEW LAW’ (Criminal Procedure Amendment Law passed into law by the Akwa Ibom State House of Assembly on March 31st 2011 - Note that the crime was allegedly committed on March 22^nd ) on the instance of the incumbent Governor Godswill Akpabio which empowers the governor to jail anyone for up to 14 days without trial! Nigeria is indeed inundated with ‘Gods’!

As I write, there is another Federal High Court Ruling ordering the unconditional release of the accused but Brother Hafiz is still dragging his feet; by the way, how come I am sooo uncomfortable with a man whose name is RIGim???

On the day the Parliamentary elections were to hold, a PontiusPilatic (another from the Rantimus Dictionary) situation was brewing in far away Dubai. James Onanefe Ibori, who was held in Dubai over a grievous money laundering charge, and could not be extradited to the United Kingdom because of a convenient Real Estate Fraud charge which keeps him in the United Arab Emirates until it is ‘resolved’, suddenly gets released on ‘humanitarian’ grounds on account of failing health! Talk about the release of Barabbas by Pontius Pilate! I have heard people say ‘At least he’s not permitted to come back to Nigeria’; Big Deal!

Bernie Madoff must be regretting he is not Nigerian! With a projected release date of November 14, 2139 (don’t laugh) which may be commuted on account of ‘good behaviour’ , I wonder how he’d feel reading about how his ‘Nigerian counterparts’ fared.

There is something about election dates that unnerves me. Let’s play with some superstition here. April 19 2003, does it ring a bell? That, as well as April 12^th was the date of the Second Election season in this Fourth Republic. The Presidential/Gubernatorial elections took place on the 19^th. Now, write April 19 2003 in the MM/DD/YY format, what do you get? 041903. Indeed, the election turned out to be a 419 (by now you should be used to what 419 is; it’s a steep learning curve if you don’t!) election. That was when Election Rigging in Nigeria attained a Platinum status! I call it Nigeria’s Rigging Golden Age.

Well, the 2007 was already branded do-or-die; so it was already Done-Dead-on Arrival, there is no need to be Parabolic about that.

Fast-forward to 2011 and someone decides to fix an election on the date of the April Fool’s Aftermath! What do you expect then?

I would not join those calling for Attahiru Jega’s head, but I am of the strong opinion that his head is hanging loosely on his neck. For a University Don who had risen to the post of Vice-Chancellor (I refuse to brood on the outcome of having two University Dons as President and Vice-President from 2007 till the death of one in 2010) I do not know what to make of the ‘logistics’ issue that eventually led to the April 2^nd botched Parliamentary elections. Is there more to it than he is telling? Time will tell what JEGA’s not telling.

The wanton show of shame from the Judiciary calls for despair. If a man can be locked up for ‘insulting a State Governor’ over the Social media and following the outcry that necessitated his release, hounded till he and his father fled the State, if a Governor can order ‘Detention without Trial’ at the time the Specter of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay still haunts America’s soul, if the Judiciary can be used to elongate the tenures of those who stole mandates..

I wonder if this does not bring back the very words of Major Kaduna Nzeogwu the enigmatic revolutionary a lot of Nigerians love to hate: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO VOTE OUT A NIGERIAN MINISTER”

I still have faith in the polls. I salute the efforts of my friends who have made software applications that enable a Corporate-Vigilante approach towards election monitoring.

The question remains, in the likely circumstance that the Will of the people is subverted once more, HOW FAR ARE WE WILLING TO GO?

President Goodluck Jonathan has promised that the Nigerian youth will LOL soon; so I welcome you all to a season of LOLs and Heartbreaks!