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Visions of the Alfa Talakawa, from the Proletariat...Nigeria, as I see it

Thursday, September 3, 2009


I have always maintained that the pseudotalakawa are the most pathetic breed to ever evolve in Nigeria and anywhere else in the world as a matter of fact.

Is it not awful ridiculous that Forbes billionaires owe banks to the point of insolvency? In the Middle East, you should fear a ‘terrorist’ who intends to blow you into oblivion, but in Nigeria, ‘Fear not he that can blow you into oblivion, rather, fear he that can owe you into oblivion and blow you if you don’t permit them to owe you!’ (That is the Talakawa gospel, ‘happy are ye if ye abide’).

At the time District 9 got added to the growing list of Hollywood movies ridiculing Nigeria, it hurts to see the level of greed and avarice that blossomed between 1999 and 2007 alone. It is therefore, only natural to ‘rejoice’ that Five Nigerian Bank MD/CEOs (Mr. Sebasti(an)(ne) Adigwe (Afribank), Mr. Okey Nwosu (Finbank), Dr. Erastus Akingbola (Intercontinental Bank), Dr. (Mrs.) Cecilia Ibru (Oceanic Bank), and Dr. Bath Ebongwere (Union Bank) were fired in a fresh attempt by the new CBN Governor to restore sanity to the Banking Sector.

What actually hurts is the fact that it is still hard for the Talakawa to see that they are being entertained again.

I had earlier remarked in my June 3 post (TRANCE COP) that “True to type, the Talakawa must be entertained; therefore a Gladiator must kiss the sands of the Coliseum”.

That is the first amendment to the Maxims of the Talakawa.

I know that in every crime, an accessory is equally guilty as hell, what leaves me confused is why the accused struts the town, shakes-hands-and-let’s be friends-again with friends-turned-foes-turned-friends-again and to pacify the blood-thirsty audience, returns part of the money he borrowstoled (you won’t find this in any dictionary) while the once hailed First and Second Ladies/Men of Banking get some VIP (Very Important Pseudotalakawa) treatment in EFCC Hotels and Accommodation.

I have never doubted the showbiz capacity of the Farida led EFCC, what I never expected was the Red Costume they wore as they led the Gladiators to the Court Coliseum; Are you not Entertained??? Is that some gang sign flashing or what?

In the midst of all the thumbs down and the baying for blood, can we just have a moment of silence?

Close your eyes, open your mind, else you will be left on the same spot the day the entire game gets played out.

How did an individual get to owe N88.3 billion? Was he trying to outperform good ole’ Bernie Madoff? Why would an I-used-to-be-obscure-MD/CEO be the guilty one when he is actually eight steps down on the economic food-chain of the Board of Directors? I will not tell you the answer, I would only ask you to Google Falcon Securities Board of Directors….after all, we are in the season everyone is economical with truth!

In an economy that trades money with money a la Stock Market and Share Certificates are used as collateral, what do you expect? Honestly, I need answers. Nigeria, We Have A Problem!!!!

Where did the funds used in the last Campaign that brought in the present administration come from? This is where we all are culpable. If you bought shares with the intention to trade, fall in line. If you deposited your money in the bank (where else would you, anyway?) the joke is on you too. By your failure either in voting for the stooges or by not voting at all, you are equally culpable. Mrs. Cecilia Ibru and co. are not the only ones being docked; WE ALL ARE!!!

If you still spent your money buying newspapers at the time the media became a profit racketeering venture, if you cheered as your bank, aren’t we all dumb? We call it our bank simply because we surrendered the rights to our money to them…does your daddy own a fraction of the bank? Excuse my manners please. If you cheered as your bank got those Awards, you are culpable too.

Intercontinental Bank Plc emerged overall best winners at the Maiduguri Bankers Clearing House Dinner organized by the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) this same year and carted away four awards: Best Clearing Bank of the Year, Best Promoter of e-payment, Most Punctual Bank and the Best Error-Free Bank Awards for 2008 at the same event; so what went down in-between May and now? I’d tell you: NOTHING!!!

How come the banks that had the blessings of the ‘gods’ that even had ‘Divine Accounts’ tailor-made for churches to get loans for state-of-the-art equipment are the culpable ones? So, church, fall in line!!! These same people that had their hands soiled one way or the other are the ‘cheerful givers’ that had a good place in the heart of clerics! And I will eat my head (apologies to Mr Grimwig of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist) if we didn’t have among them, those that helped build mosques too.

What happened to the 716 cases comprising 672 civil and 44 criminal cases that were disposed off along with Abacha’s Failed Banks Tribunal? Where on earth is that Forum Bank dude that fooled us all by getting revered Nigerian actors on the advert and pioneered building architectural masterpieces as banks? He vanished into thin air and left holes in so many hearts, literally.

It is awful sad that the gloomy days of dictatorship did not succeed in dragging Nigerians down this deep; there wasn’t a District 9 Movie, Sony did not have a nerve to ridicule us in a PlayStation advert…but to borrow from the late Christopher Wallace (BIG), ‘Things Done Changed’.

And so I add, if you ever bought a Nigerian CD glamorizing crime, you contributed to all this mess! And if you never bought a CD, you also did! How??!! You still don’t see? At a time good music that is value driven is not ‘selling’ in the market and a good number of Nigerians prefer to buy pirated versions or burn from another CD, these artistes had to look for ‘Corporate Endorsement’ and where did they get it from? Those election jingles; where did the finances come from? You must be living in the ‘Boko Haram’ age if you think it came from someone’s hard earned cash!!! I need to correct myself here; yes it is someone’s hard earned cash, the money we all dumped in those places dreaming of fat returns…that is the Plight of the Proletariat!

However, I must thank Madame Hilary Clinton for rubbing in what we all knew: Our Institutions are not corrupt, CORRUPTION is OUR INSTITUTION! If nothing, Ms. Waziri found a job to do at last asides warming an Abuja seat, the House of Representatives had a chance to amuse us by displaying their wanton ignorance about the same Law they are said to be makers of and had to be tutored by the Bow-Tie-wearing-CBN-Governor, I solemnly declare that if Lamido Sanusi decides to vie for a Legislative Seat with Lagos as his constituency, despite the fact that he is Fulani, I WILL VOTE HIM IN!

This Nation is in a Theatre of sick absurdities. At the time all those clowns could say about the Benin-Ore Road that has claimed lives in unprecedented numbers is:

“…using the Benin-Ore road is ACTUALLY ENCASING or ENGAGING IN A MACABRE DANCE!....And this is really a sardonic situation!
This ANOMY has to be looked into with grave URGENCY!
The whole state is LUGUBRIOUS!..”

and up till now nothing has been done about it, we know we have a problem. The Bank’s Gladiators are the ones in the Coliseum today, the dust will settle soon and it will be another Gladiator’s turn…I dare to submit, at the risk of being contradicted is that the best we would get of all this is one word: ENTERTAINMENT!

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